A mothers love
by Dilandau2
Summary: Soi's thoughts and feelings as her mother was taking her to the brothel


Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi in anyway though it would be nice if I did ^^;. None of the characters, nothing.  
  
Note: I thought this would be a neat idea, since I've never seen anyone focus on the events before Soi was taken to the brothel. I haven't seen one of those before. Please R&R  
  
A Mothers Love  
  
"Kaa-san?" I asked softly, looking up at my mother with wide, innocent eyes. My mother hardly resembled me, she had the same color hair but nothing else was the same. She had deep, tired eyes and many wrinkles. She was a sad looking woman, with a lot of children to manage with barely any money. Her husband had died a few years after I was born, the youngest of 5 children, not counting myself, 3 girls and 2 boys. Now, looking back I can barely remember the rest of her features, like her eye color. I was so young...  
  
She looked down at me and managed a small little smile of reassurance.  
  
"Yes, dear?"  
  
"Where are we going? And how come you dressed me up?" I asked, but I wasn't complaining. I was delightedly showing off my beautiful new kimono to onlookers, smiling teasingly. Mother had cleaned me with more care than usual, washing my hair 3 times instead of once. Then she slaughtered me with a sweet smelling oil that made me sneeze at first, but it was pleasant enough after I got used to it.  
  
"We're going to see about the new job that your uncle told me about and I want you to make a good impression." She explained to me. But being curious, as all little children were, that answer didn't satisfy me. After all, she didn't clean HERSELF up or get herself new clothes or anything! Besides, who would look after us?  
  
"Oh......why are you taking me? And if you get a job, who will look after us?"  
  
I saw the pained look in my mothers eyes as she turned away from me and continued walking straight, ignoring my question. I frowned, wondering what I had done wrong.  
  
We walked in silence for the rest of the way, except for when I stopped to pick a pretty flower and Mother had to pull me along. I tried to explain to her that it was for my brother, but she again turned away from me and continued tugging me.  
  
I loved my brothers and sisters very much. They were always nice, especially my oldest brother. He was about 14 and he always played with me. Until the one day when he began looking for a job. I still to this day cannot understand why no one ever hired him. He was good at working with wood and fabric, and I'm sure he could sell the dirt off the ground, he was a quick talker. The day before he had apologized to me profusely for not being able to get a job, which confused me. I didn't care one way or another as long as he could stay home and play with me. Looking back, I see now why he was apologizing, and I forgive him. It wasn't his fault.  
  
We stopped before a huge building with lovely cherry blossoms blooming outside of it, falling lazily to the ground in the late spring breeze. Most windows were shut, but one or two were open and I could look inside and see a simple room, one girl talking to another and pointing to some discarded item on the floor. "This was where Kaa-san was going to work?" I remember thinking, "It's beautiful here!"  
  
She led me to the steps of the building, then kneeled down before me, grasping my hands with their polished nails and staring into my eyes. I could see they were moist, and I wondered why she was crying.  
  
"No matter what happens to you, my Kaen-chan, I love you. And so do your brothers and sisters. I'm so sorry." She broke down into sobs and I tried to hug her reassuringly. I wondered why everyone was apologizing to me. Had they done anything to me? I hadn't been able to remember. Infact, they had been extra nice to me. Giving me new clothes and not making me do chores. It confused me, but not for long.  
  
Mother took me inside, drying her eyes, and told me to sit down on the first chair she could find. Her back turned to me, and she went into a little room. I sat there, wondering about what they did in this place, until I heard a scream coming from down the hallway and some moans. I began to get scared. I hoped mother would come out to get me soon.  
  
The screams had subsided a bit, and the walls seemed thin. That was how I was able to hear snippets of my mother's conversation with another woman and a man.  
  
"...Please take good care of her. I do love her and I feel bad about this, giving up her innocence so that my other children may live. But she's the youngest and furthest away from getting a job, and no one will accept my son, they say he's a bastard child and want nothing to do with him.  
  
My other daughters have wonderful singing voices and have captured the eye of a traveling performer. He trains them day and night, but won't pay a penny for it. He says the first time they perform is the first time he'll pay and the first time they'll perform is a long way off.  
  
The second youngest, my other son, is too young to work. Kaen is too, but she is also the most beautiful of my children and I know very young girls are high in demand around here. But please, don't start her off today or even this week. Get her used to her surroundings first. Maybe explain a bit?" That was my Mother's voice. I was beginning to get worried. She was talking about me.  
  
"Well, I can't promise you anything. I suppose we'll try, but men like it better when they're naive. Your daughter will get used to it, they all do. It may upset them at first but they break after a few months. Lets see this little beauty of yours."  
  
An ugly faced man poked his head out and smiled at me. Then he walked out and his smile widened as he grabbed me, checked my face and caressed me, poking and prodding me, before he walked back inside.  
  
"Prepubescent aye? She has a nice, innocent look in her eyes. Ah, she'll bring in some good money. We'll be sending your money weekly. Perhaps someday, you'll have enough to buy her back? Don't worry, she'll be fine."  
  
The man led my mother out...she tried to say goodbye but he shoved her through the doors before she could. That was the last time I ever saw her. Then he advanced towards me with a malicious look. I screamed and tried to run, but it was no use. He grabbed me roughly, laughing as I tried to bite him.  
  
"A feisty one huh? You'll really bring in the money. Poor misfortunate one, don't you know where you are?" He patted me. As he led me down the hall, I got a sick feeling that would not subside for years to come.  
  
***  
  
I lay next to my lover now, looking into the darkness and thinking of my past. He would have told me no good comes out of looking to the past, but I couldn't help it.. I'm a supposedly blessed warrior, fighting for our god Seiryuu, but he must have a perverted version of a blessing. Blessed to be used all my life? I would rather be a normal girl than used by strangers, the worst of them the stranger who saved me, the golden haired man whom I love. Yes, I love him. I'm not sure why, but I just do. Perhaps it's because I'm corrupted, my innocence stolen from me. Or maybe I just don't know any better. Mother, how could you do this to me? I'm glad it wasn't one of my sisters, they were too nice. But I wanted a chance at life too, even if I'm not talented at anything besides being a whore who can only please lustful men with her body.  
  
Kaa-san.... you were wrong. No one loves me.  
  
Note: Hope you liked it! I never really have any opinions about my writing, so please R&R! 


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